Fog City

Hey Fog City - Yeah you're still pretty.


Long delayed, but letting go

I'm beginning to forgot what your arms feel like, draped around me. My memory fades of the kisses you gave me, the embrace of your lips. Your voice echoes slightly less in my view of the past. And I miss you. And I sometimes hate you. And I need to forgive and move on. And I need to let you go.

I dreamed a lot about us. Our future. I had hoped. This reality of me & you, and not me & you. Just me. It crushes me and my heart sinks just a little more. I admit, it wasn't perfect, but I saw sparks, I felt something like gravity between us. And words just ripped us apart at the seams. For what its worth, I care about it. I hope you're well. I hope you find someone that fit just a bit more right than you and me. I hope you have gravity and fireworks and things click into place. I hope you find happiness.

But like sad love songs or most country songs, we weren't right, right? Right. So it goes. I wish things were different, but the reality is and just is. I'm sad I'm not in your life, but we're on different paths now. I really enjoyed the time we spent together.

Experimental: Giving Up...Stuff

Sometimes I want to try to give up something. Partly to see what will happen. Partly to see if I can. And maybe partly to see if I miss it or something.

I did this with meat. Not eating (land) animals (couldn't give up sushi). I did it pretty successfully for a few years. There were some benefits. But ultimately I chose to be a carnivore again. Because, bacon. And steak. Oh my $GOD, a good steak would be fantastical right now.

I don't quite know what brought this latest one on, or maybe I do but don't want to fully admit to it. Social Media. Facebook &  Google+ were the worst offenders for me. I work at a computer. I am almost surgically attached to my stupid (super smart) phone. I like facebook. I only kind of like Google+ (yes I work for Google, these are my opinions and not that of my employer). But I was checking it every goddamn minute. It was getting too much. I share a lot. We're social creatures right? I want to have a rich and fulfilling life. Faceblock (and to some extent, G+/-) makes me lazy. It does give me interesting things to read and shows me fun and pretty pictures. But it gives me a passive way to socialize with people I don't see often or don't make enough of an effort to see, call or write or ping even.

So what to do? Sign out of Facebook. Yes I kept Facebook Messenger (it's actually a really good way to chat with people 1:1 or in groups). Uninstalled the app from my phone. Whew. Do I still type in http://faceboo.. yes. Damnit. What about Google+? Well you can't uninstall it from your Android device. So I kept checking it yesterday. Fuck. But I could hide the shit out of it (what does that even mean?? I don't know, but it sounds like I'm serious) with Nova Launcher. The only problem is that I live in Google. The little bell shows me when there's a +1, comment, etc. I can't sign out of it or you know..consequences: no email, music, etc. Well let's see how the whole self control thing pans out here.

It's been hard. Not hard like manual labor, time in prison, or (damnit, I just opened a new tab and started typing facestupidfuck) whatever, but it's a habitual psychological crutch. I want to see if I make better use of those squandered seconds and get some mindfulness and presence... in the present. I want to see if those minutes turn into useful exercises in thought.

Will I go back? Yes, probably yes. Maybe this will help me, maybe this will turn me into a hermit drinking alone in my apartment while I lament to myself about how I should share this on faceboo..k. Or you know, Google+.

Disclaimer: Views are my personal brand of crazy, not my employer or those around me.



The universe is not conspiring against me. Right?

There are times where it fells like everything is coming down on you. I feel that way now. On the precipice of some cliff of shitty feelings, I feel like sometimes I can just say fuck it, lay down and let the world pass by. But I won't, and I can't. I've dreamed! I've hoped, And the reality crushes these things into the pit of my stomach. They won't be. It's just a reality I will need to accept. The days turn quickly into weeks and months and then years. Reality isn't what I've hoped, dreamed or wished. But yet, here I am. I am here and the reality hasn't kept me from waking up, so I guess I'll keep getting up. Putting the past behind me... I'm going to try damnit. I'll keep fighting against the fucking dark otherwise what's the point?