Long delayed, but letting go

I'm beginning to forgot what your arms feel like, draped around me. My memory fades of the kisses you gave me, the embrace of your lips. Your voice echoes slightly less in my view of the past. And I miss you. And I sometimes hate you. And I need to forgive and move on. And I need to let you go.

I dreamed a lot about us. Our future. I had hoped. This reality of me & you, and not me & you. Just me. It crushes me and my heart sinks just a little more. I admit, it wasn't perfect, but I saw sparks, I felt something like gravity between us. And words just ripped us apart at the seams. For what its worth, I care about it. I hope you're well. I hope you find someone that fit just a bit more right than you and me. I hope you have gravity and fireworks and things click into place. I hope you find happiness.

But like sad love songs or most country songs, we weren't right, right? Right. So it goes. I wish things were different, but the reality is and just is. I'm sad I'm not in your life, but we're on different paths now. I really enjoyed the time we spent together.

Experimental: Giving Up...Stuff

Sometimes I want to try to give up something. Partly to see what will happen. Partly to see if I can. And maybe partly to see if I miss it or something.

I did this with meat. Not eating (land) animals (couldn't give up sushi). I did it pretty successfully for a few years. There were some benefits. But ultimately I chose to be a carnivore again. Because, bacon. And steak. Oh my $GOD, a good steak would be fantastical right now.

I don't quite know what brought this latest one on, or maybe I do but don't want to fully admit to it. Social Media. Facebook &  Google+ were the worst offenders for me. I work at a computer. I am almost surgically attached to my stupid (super smart) phone. I like facebook. I only kind of like Google+ (yes I work for Google, these are my opinions and not that of my employer). But I was checking it every goddamn minute. It was getting too much. I share a lot. We're social creatures right? I want to have a rich and fulfilling life. Faceblock (and to some extent, G+/-) makes me lazy. It does give me interesting things to read and shows me fun and pretty pictures. But it gives me a passive way to socialize with people I don't see often or don't make enough of an effort to see, call or write or ping even.

So what to do? Sign out of Facebook. Yes I kept Facebook Messenger (it's actually a really good way to chat with people 1:1 or in groups). Uninstalled the app from my phone. Whew. Do I still type in http://faceboo.. yes. Damnit. What about Google+? Well you can't uninstall it from your Android device. So I kept checking it yesterday. Fuck. But I could hide the shit out of it (what does that even mean?? I don't know, but it sounds like I'm serious) with Nova Launcher. The only problem is that I live in Google. The little bell shows me when there's a +1, comment, etc. I can't sign out of it or you know..consequences: no email, music, etc. Well let's see how the whole self control thing pans out here.

It's been hard. Not hard like manual labor, time in prison, or (damnit, I just opened a new tab and started typing facestupidfuck) whatever, but it's a habitual psychological crutch. I want to see if I make better use of those squandered seconds and get some mindfulness and presence... in the present. I want to see if those minutes turn into useful exercises in thought.

Will I go back? Yes, probably yes. Maybe this will help me, maybe this will turn me into a hermit drinking alone in my apartment while I lament to myself about how I should share this on faceboo..k. Or you know, Google+.

Disclaimer: Views are my personal brand of crazy, not my employer or those around me.

Fatum

The universe is not conspiring against me. Right?

There are times where it fells like everything is coming down on you. I feel that way now. On the precipice of some cliff of shitty feelings, I feel like sometimes I can just say fuck it, lay down and let the world pass by. But I won't, and I can't. I've dreamed! I've hoped, And the reality crushes these things into the pit of my stomach. They won't be. It's just a reality I will need to accept. The days turn quickly into weeks and months and then years. Reality isn't what I've hoped, dreamed or wished. But yet, here I am. I am here and the reality hasn't kept me from waking up, so I guess I'll keep getting up. Putting the past behind me... I'm going to try damnit. I'll keep fighting against the fucking dark otherwise what's the point?

Google Music - Mac Media Keys

https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/swayfm-unified-music-medi/icckhjgjjompfgoiidainoapgjepncej

Mac + Media Keys + Google Music = Happy

Stolen from: http://www.cyberciti.biz/tips/ssh-public-key-based-authentication-how-to.html because ssh keygen shit is always useful.

The SSH protocol is recommended for remote login and remote file transfer which provides confidentiality and security for data exchanged between two computer systems, through the use of public key cryptography. The OpenSSH server provides this kind of setup under Linux. It is installed by default. This how-to covers generating and using ssh keys for automated usage such as:

1. Automated Login using the shell scripts.
2. Making backups.
3. Run commands from the shell prompt etc.

First, log on to your workstation ( for example log on to workstation called admin.fbsd.nixcraft.org as vivek user). Please refer the following sample setup - You will be log in, on your local system, AS THE USER you wish to make passwordless ssh connections.

Task: Generating SSH Keys

ssh key based authentication

Create the cryptographic Key on FreeBSD / Linux / UNIX workstation, enter:
ssh-keygen -t rsa
Assign the pass phrase (press [enter] key twice if you don't want a passphrase). It will create 2 files in ~/.ssh directory as follows:

• ~/.ssh/id_rsa : identification (private) key
• ~/.ssh/id_rsa.pub : public key

Use scp to copy the id_rsa.pub (public key) to rh9linux.nixcraft.org server as authorized_keys2 file, this is know as Installing the public key to server.
scp .ssh/id_rsa.pub vivek@rh9linux.nixcraft.org:.ssh/authorized_keys2
From FreeBSD workstation login to server:
ssh rh9linux.nixcraft.org
Changing the pass-phrase on workstation (if needed):
ssh-keygen -p
Use of ssh-agent to avoid continues pass-phrase typing
At freebsd workstation type:
ssh-agent $BASH
ssh-add
Type your pass-phrase

Now ssh server will not use prompt for the password. Above two commands can be added to your ~/.bash_profile file so that as soon as you login into workstation you can set the agent.

Deleting the keys hold by ssh-agent

To list keys, enter:
ssh-add -l
To delete all keys, enter:
ssh-add -D
To delete specific key, enter:
ssh-add -d key

Mal de coucou

Q: mal de coucou

“I’d like to know something about ‘mal de coucou’. I think it means something like ‘pain of the cuckoo’ (?), but I don’t see the connection between these words and the definition you gave them. Could you explain this to me?”  –waveringmind (ask me a question)

……

Here’s the definition of mal de coucou:
n. a phenomenon in which you have an active social life but very few close friends—people who you can trust, who you can be yourself with, who can help flush out the weird psychological toxins that tend to accumulate over time—which is a form of acute social malnutrition in which even if you devour an entire buffet of chitchat, you’ll still feel pangs of hunger.

The irony of posting this to facebook would not have been lost. But I like the lexicon here. It captures this experience that some of us feel, but never had the right phrase to express such complex thing. mal de coucou.

Find files recursively

Looking for files in Linux kind of sucks:

$find . -type f -name "*.zip"